I'm writing this on Thursday the 28th of April.
This morning, X96's Radio From Hell invited Eric Etherington for their Thursday interview feature, Ask-A___. I woke up to this feature just in time to hear Bill Allred ask, “I wonder, what is the responsibility of a gay person to be understanding?” (For exact quote, listen to Radio From Hell, 8am hour, April 28th.)
I thought about this for a moment then called in. I quoted from a favorite source, Dan Savage. Unfortunately, I was interrupted by a poor connection and got out only the first part of Savage's compassionate advice on coming out.
Savage's advice on coming out is that the child (of any age) may need to parent their parents for a time. Because they have been faced with something about their offspring they don't understand, they may respond as children to it. So, like children, they need firmness and patience.
As well, the person who is coming out must have courage, to say the first things that must be said and then to say them again and again and to address any question willingly while not giving in to intrusion on respectful boundaries between adults. The person coming out also needs courage in order to prevent fear and pain from entering the discussion.
I did not have courage and I was not patient. I let my fear escalate until I might have broken down from nerves if I did not confront my parents. I first told my wonderful, gentle grandmother that I think of myself as a man and would at some point undergo a sex change. Somehow, I thought the acceptance I knew she'd give me would diminish my fear. Instead, my parents found out I'd visited her and they wanted to know why. For the next week, this pressure worked to intensify my anxiety.
Therefore, my coming out to my parents was truly a confrontation. They shut down and would not talk to me. I let myself be cowed, hurt and angered into not trying again. So began the path that led me to cut off contact with my family... until I've grown up enough to challenge fear with grace.
Does a queer person have a responsibility to be understanding when coming out or living out?
Absolutely. This is the same as every person's responsibility to our shared society.
It is right that we be represented and recognized. But fear begets fear. To sublimate opposition to our rightful equality, to ensure peace, to curtail the horrors of hate, every person has a responsibility to transform pain into compassion
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